Again and Again

I hate that I have anger issues. I want to be this person who talks calm all the time. Can deal with each situation as it comes. But all I seem to do is get angry. I will be doing great and then all of a sudden this other person just jumps through me. I hate this person!!!!!!!!!!!

I pray and pray, and I know that I am far from who I was a little over a year ago but this last 2 weeks I feel like I am this evil and scary Mother. I hate being this person and I wish that she would just go away forever. I am so frustrated with myself!!!!! I am far from the mom I so desire to be. My kids just push and push and push till I can not take it anymore and I just snap turn in to this other person. I start yelling then crying, I just want to run away. I wish when I was like this I could just leave but I can't. I am the only one here so I can not just leave them.

Lord,

You know me, you know my struggles. Lord be with me right now. I want to feel you!! Wrap your arms around me. Change me, Mold me to be a better person. Lord I need you today. I feel so out of control. I just want to run and run hard. Lord I am crying out loud today. I don't like who I am right now and I know I can not change me, I need you to guide me and carry me. Lord Thank you for being there for me!!!!!!!!!! And understanding me!!!!!!!!! I can feel my spirit calming already.

Love,
Brandy

Patience

So the title of a Devotions I read sometimes was "Becoming a Patient Women" Well if I had to ask my self am I patient???? I would have to say "NO" That is one of things that I lack. It is one of the thing I desire to be though.

The verse that is started with is Colossians 1:11 "We also pray that you will be strengthened with his glorious power so that you will have all the patience and endurance you need." What an awesome encouragement!!!!!!!! That is what I am going to start praying for. Patience and endurance!!!!!! As the kids get older I seem to need that even more!!!!!!!!!

Then it said this
"The Bible says God will be faithful to complete the good works He began in us (Philippians 1:6). That implies there's going to be some "in the meantime" when we're all less than perfect and less than easy to love. This is where patience comes in. The apostle Paul instructs us to "walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace" (Eph.4:1-3). "


WOW!!!!! I really like this verse. Very convicting to me. I really need to practice walking in a manner worthy of the calling to which I have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with others in love. So what have I been called to do. Well be a wife and a mother. Do I walk with humility and gentleness in these areas of my life? Not very well.

It says,
"Exercising patience isn't just an exercise of the human will. The kind of patience Paul is talking about is a fruit of the Spirit developed in a woman's soul in tandem with God. It's a virtue that grows from her confidence in the sovereignty of God and His ability to bring all things to completion, in His timing, in a way that benefits His children and glorifies Him."

I want to be like this!!!!!!!!!! So for the last half hour I have been doing some reading on patience. Proverbs 25:15 says Through patience a ruler can be persuaded and a gentle tongue can break a bone. Ecclesiastes 7:8 says "Finishing is better than starting. Patience is better than pride."

I really like that last one. As I have been training for this 5K there are days that I so don't want to even start but when I am finished I feel so much better. I am always good at stating something but I am really bad at finishing what I started. I really need to work on that. I get frustrated or just lazy and don't get it done. That is an area I need to work on patience to just get it done. Mainly with my kids!!!!!!!! Next it talks about Pride!!! Do I really need to say anything else. I think a lot of us struggle with this. Just think if we gain patience pride will just go to the waste side for the most part.

Lord,
Please help me to be more of a Patient Women/Mother. I struggle with this daily. I want to be the women you desire me to be. Give me the strength I need to go through this. I know that is will not be a piece of cake. Change is hard but I am willing to change because this is what you ask of me. I love you Lord and I really want to be a better person!!!!!!!!!

Well hear I go!!!!!!!!! God just gave me something to practice right now. The kids just put a hole in the pool!!!!!!! Oh LORD help me!!!!!!!!

Consumed!!!!!!!!!!!

I have really been feeling God lately!!!!!!!!! I love to feel the feeling of the Holy Spirit consuming your body. It is the best feeling in the world. When I feel it it just gives me chills!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yesterday before I went and walked with my grandpa I was reading in Isaiah 45. And WOW

Vs 2 says "I will go before you and will level the mountains, I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron."

I have to tell you I really felt that yesterday on my walk. It was a really hard walk for me but It could have been way worse I think. I did 3.57 Miles and I was only thinking that at first that is was only 2 miles and I was feeling like crap because it took me a long time to do it, then my grandpa said he thinks it was 3 which made me feel even better then later he told me it was 3.57. Now God really did go before me and and level the mountains (Which for me are hills on my walk) and break down gates (the ones where I wanted to say I am done!!!!) .

Then in Vs 5 says "I am the Lord, and there is no other, apart from me there is no God. I will Strengthen you, thought you have not acknowledged me."

So the times that I am not even asking him for strength he is still giving it to me!!!!!!! How awesome it that!!!!!!!!!

Now there is another thing I have been struggling with. It has been really consuming me lately. I just can not get it out of my mind!!!!!! I hate that feeling!!!!!!!!! I feel like I think about it all the time, want to be close to it, see it, I ask God to take these thought away but they just keep creeping back up there. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

So I was reading Isaiah 1 today and it was right in my face.

End of Vs 16 and 17 "Stop doing wrong, learn to do right!!!" Okay then well that tells me right there what I need to do. Then it goes on to Vs 19 and 20 "If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the best from the land, but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword." So I have been resisting and rebelling and I need to turn that over and be willing and obedient. Alright Lord I hear you, but I still want to hold on!!!!!!!! So then I go on to read farther down and it is talking about in Vs. 29-30 "You will be ashamed because of the sacred oaks in which you have delighted, you will be disgraced because of the gardens that you have chosen. You will be like an oak with fading leaves, like a garden with out water" If I keep my mind set on this thing that I am allowing to consume me then I will be like a scared oak tree, a faded garden. I will eventually be nothing, if I keep being consumed!!!!!!!!

Lord I hear you loud and clear but it is so hard!!!!!!!!!!!

This thing that is consuming me has a real hold on me. I pray that God will clear my mind of it but then I know I don't really mean it. I do but then I don't. I know I need to give it up but then I don't want to either. I like it to much. I am sure you understand me. I know there are things in peoples lives that they know are wrong but they just have such a tight grip on it they don't want to let it go. But we need to. We will not grow if we are still holding on so tight to that one thing!!!!!!!!!!

So please join me and let it go. I will make things so much better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What A Day!!!!!!!!!!!

I had such a great day!!!!!!!!! Today was full of victory!!!!!!!!!!! I can not say that my kids were the best but the way I responded to them was like night and day!!!!!!!!

This morning I was reading in James then I went into Psalm 139 I read then I prayed it. What a great prayer to say!!!!!!!


Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I Prayed this a few times then I prayed that God would "Set a guard over my mouth, and Keep watch over the door of my Lips" Psalm 141:3

How great is God. He truly put a guard over my mouth today. It thought before I spoke to the kids and dealt with everything calm for the most part!!!!!!!!

Well I just wanted to put an update up that was positive. I noticed a lot of all these postings were pretty negative. GOD IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!

What did I do???????

Okay so the whole thing with Joslyn, I think made things even worse!!!!!!! She now thinks any time I tell her to do something she has the upper hand. So now I am having to bring her back to reality. So frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!

So Today I totally lost it. I feel so horrible!!!!!!! With everything going on with Joslyn, David and his mouth, and Then Samuel decided to Pee in a basket in his room which was a fabric one and it got all over his floor too... so after all that I lost it!!!!

So I sat down and starting reading In James and this is what I came across.........

James 3:5-10

5Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

7All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, 8but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

9With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. 10Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.

These verses reminded me of something I saw at a conference. My Angry words destroy my children like a fire destroys a forest. Think what starts a fire in the woods just a little spark. There for one little mean, angry word will set that fire real quick and it not only destroys my children but it sets me on fire as well. It makes me roar louder and longer. It likes starts my yelling and it just keeps getting hotter and Hotter. Well that is what happened today. One thing on top of another and there I went flaming like a forest fire and destroying all the little trees in my way!!!!!!!

After realizing what I did, I just cried. I need to just turn everything over to Jesus. I can not get full grasp over my anger with out him. I can not do this alone!!!!!!!! With Christ all things are possible!!!!!! I need to hold tight to that. I feel a lot of the time I am never going to be the mother I so want to be but I know that With Christ I can be the Mother he wants me to be and that is all that matters and I need to trust him and he will lead me!!!!!!!!

Dear Jesus,
Please put out the fire that burns so hot in my mouth. Heal my children from burning words today. Lord I love them so much and I don't want to hurt them anymore. Please guide me and lead me!!!!!! Help me to be the mother you want me to be!!!!!!! Help me to learn to hold my tongue and to listen to your guidance before I open my mouth. Please protect my children from any spark that may exit my mouth.

AMEN

Joslyn being MOM

Well it is 11:00 AM and I am already a little stressed. I thought having Joslyn act as though she was mom for the day would be relaxing for me but I have to say it has been a lot of work. The boys are also being really bad today for some reason, So i have had to really get on them and had to take that from Joslyn and not let her tell them what to do. All she was doing was telling them to clean there rooms and I told them that is what they need to do but it is not happening.

At 9:30 Joslyn started off by cleaning the kitchen, she thought that was a lot of fun. She unloaded the dishes, loaded the dishes, cleaned the counters, scrubbed pots and swept the floor. She wanted to mop but I told her she had to wait on that and start on the dinning room. She wasn't very happy with that.

10:05 Started on the Dinning room. She is getting a little up set because it has shoes and toys all over the floor. I am thinking this might be working but we will see. I told her she had to get all the stuff picked up off the floor then wipe the table off, and Sweep the floor. (well she got mad with that and went to go tell the boys to clean there room and that didn't go over very well. I had to intervene and take over in that area)

She got the dinning room done kinda and moved to the living room and she thought all she had to do was pick up the floor. WRONG!!! I had her pick up all the tables and make sure it was organized.

SHE IS GETTING ALL UPSET!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

She is wanting to quit!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe this is really working

It is now 11:45 she is now done with the Living Room and Dinning room and I let her take a little Break. It took her an Hour and 40 min. to do the Living room and Dinning room because she kept wanting to stop and be done.

I am praying through this thing she is seeing that being the Parent isn't very fun. I just asked her if she likes being MOM and she just said yes. IS THIS REALLY WORKING??????????? I so hope so. She has to make lunch now and we will see how that goes.

2:10 pm
Well this afternoon has been interesting. She really liked making lunch. Then she cleaned up after lunch and didn't like it real well. She Put dishes in the dishwasher and cleaned the table and counters.

Bathroom and hallway were next. She hated cleaning bathroom she said it was nasty :) "Clean up boys pee isn't always fun, But that is what mom's have to do" I told her. She didn't like it much :) Then I looked in there when she said she was done and there was still stuff all over the floor and I made her clean it all up and she was mad. She said "I want to be done being Mom" I said "Mom's just can't stop being mom's when they don't want to be mom any more."

I had her rest for a little bit and now she is folding laundry, and she really wants to be playing with David, she is not very happy about this.

We will see how the rest of the day goes. We are going out to my sister's tonight for pizza, swimming, and fireworks. I am going to make her act as though she is me and have her fix plates and lotion everyone up for swimming and she will have to be the last one to eat and the last one to swim. I am hoping all this works. I may take her into being Mom for a couple of days if today is doesn't get my point across. She is having more fun then not.

Stay tuned for more Later!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being Creative

Okay, when it comes to diciplining Joslyn I have had to get very creative. So today Joslyn is being MOM w/ limits. She has a problem with trying to be incharge and be the parents so today I am Letting her do just that.

So for today she gets to do all the cleaning and she gets to tell the boys to do a few things to and we will see if they listen or not. (Which my guess will be not:)
This will be very interesting and I am excited to get a little break as well.

My goal is to show her that being a parent/mom is not as fun as it looks and it is not all about being the boss. It also is a lot of work. She will be doing all my daily cleaning, and haveing the boys clean there rooms.

So far today she has gotten breakfast ready. She happened to get up earlier then the boys which worked out great. She got herself breakfast and ate it then once the boys were up she got them breakfast. While bring there breakfast to the table a class of juice spilled and she asked for a towel and no one was really listening and she got upset and she said/yelled "It will be faster if I get it myself" okay I had to laugh because I feel like that a lot. She was a little frustrated. Then she put Samuel stuff not in his spot and he got up set and she had to move all his food and she did that very well.

I will post tonight on how well the rest of the day goes. I hope this works. Right now she is really excited about this but I am hoping by the end of the day she sees being the boss is not all that fun.

Struggles

There are a lot of things that I stuggle with, but the one that I struggle with the most is anger. It seems to always creep back up if I am not careful. I have really had a lot of victory in that area. But I have to say there are days I just want to unleash it and let it fly(and I am sure there were days where I have done this)

My kids lately have gone from bad to worse it seems like. When I started on my Anger Journey there was some ruff area's one that I had talked about yesterday was becomeing a door mat to my children. Now I struggle with them talking the me in a manner that would shock anyone, and let me tell you it is hard to hold my tongue when they do this. I just wait a sec and then I talk to them or make them sit for a period of time. I get so frustated because I am dealing with the same issues over and over again.

I just have to keep in mind that I am not a lone. God would not give me these children to raise and leave me to do it alone. He is with me and he is guiding me and as long as I let him help and let him guide me then he will. If I try to do it on my own then it will get messy. That is probly why I am having so many issues with the kids now. I keep trying to be the one in charge but in all reality I am far from that.

I have a real problem of feeling as though I always have to be incharge. I can remember even as a little child being like this. Which as I got older it just kept getting worse. Which is one of the reason why I deal with Anger so much. If I feel like I have no control then I get very angry which I use to be angry all the time and that would be because I have never had control at all.

The more and more I go down this road to learn how to control my anger and use it the way God intends me to the more God show me new things that I need to Let Go!!!!!!!!!

Right now I am working on having a Meek and Quiet spirit. I am excited to work on this and scared all at the same time. I know that with change does come some pain so I will be dealing with some of that but I know that it will all be worth it.

I can do all things through Christ who Stengthens me!!!!!!!!!!